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Monday, April 6, 2009

Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 20
Always a Jew

Always a Jew

An old American Jew felt that death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.

The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called his sons and told them: "Take me quickly back to the United States."

The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'

"Yes," answered the father, to die it's okay, but to live here....!?"

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 19
In the Name of Love

In the Name of Love

It's Morty and Rivkah's 50th wedding anniversary and to celebrate, their son Aaron invites the close family to a Golden Wedding dinner at his house.


During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his dad call his mom by such endearing terms as 'darling', 'petal', and 'sweetheart'. It's clear to Aaron that his parents are still very much in love.

While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, I'm so pleased for you both. I think it's fantastic that after 50 years you're still calling mom by those loving pet names."

But Morty, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth - I forgot your mother's name about five years ago."
Thanks to Jewlarious

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 18
Malpractice Insurance

Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 18

Malpractice Insurance

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don''t be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn''t go well, if something happens to me...your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Thanks to Jewlarious

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 17
The Rabbi and his Wife

Mr Bagel's Funnies No 17

The Rabbi and his Wife


The Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a
box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day, she was out and his curiosity got the better of him. He opened the box and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he had opened the box and asked her to explain the contents to him.

She told him, every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the
box. He thought to himself, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons,
that's not bad." His wife continued, "And every time I got a dozen eggs,
I would sell them for $1."


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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 16 Only in Israel...

Mr Bagel's Funnies No 16

Israeli Taxi Joke

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel.
As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he
was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a 'guest' and not wanting to make waves.

The trip continued without event until the next intersection.
This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.
Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver. "Listen", he
says, "When you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But
why on earth are you stopping at a green light?" The Israeli driver looks
at the American as if he was deranged. "Are you crazy?!" he shouts. "The
other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?!"

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Friday, January 11, 2008

Mr Bagel is Back


Yes its true, despite a spectacular absence of blogging for over two months, Mr Bagel has returned.
Mr Bagel has been 'moving' from a remote country location to a more civilised part of Australia.

Moving has required Mr Bagel to do five seperate trips of over 2,000kms each, despite selling what we thought was almost all of our worldly possesions, we still had to do five trips to move our 'personal belongings'. Which raises one very valid point, how personal can 5 trailers worth of belongings be? Do you think Mr Bagel might just be a horder? mmm?

Anyway after selling all our furniture we have been rushing around buying beds and fridges and lounges and just about everything else required to life a civilised life. Now that Mr Bagel has moved to civilisation he has decided to stop talking to the soccer ball with a wig. (Tom Hanks.)

We've only been in town a week but, living where there are shops, and services is such a refreshing break from living hours away from the most basic shopping. Its taking some adjustment, I generally spoke to about 3 peaople a month where I lived, now I see hundreds a day.

Mr Bagel: Thank you to all the well wishers and the emails I received


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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 15
50 years together


The Golden Chance

Rivka and Bernie have been married for fifty years and are being interviewed by a reporter from the Jewish Chronicle.


"So Rivkah," asks the reporter, "I know today is your Golden Wedding Anniversary, but how old, exactly, are you?"

"I am 78 years old," replies Rivkah, "and kin-a-hora I should live to be a hundred."

"Well I hope your wish comes true," says the reporter.
The reporter then turns to Bernie and asks, "And how old are you, Bernie?"

"I’m also 78 years old," replies Bernie, "and please God I should live to be a hundred and one."

"But why," asks the reporter, "do you want to live one year longer than your wife?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Bernie, "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet."


ThanksAlways Funny: Mr Bagel Funnies have a laugh!
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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 14
Family Ties

Family Ties

An al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Thanks to Jewlarious


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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #13
Amazing Moishe Glickman

Amazing Moishe


A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "See there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the
pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams, not like me.

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."


Thanks to: Jewish Jokes

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 12:
You're Fired


You're Fired:


One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.

I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menschen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the foist thing ve're going to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena truck!"

Thanks to Jewish Jokes

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Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Mr Bagel's Funnies No #11


Mezuzah Mess-up


A wealthy, English, Jewish guy buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.


When the job is finished the Jewish guy is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten something -- to put mezzuzot on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezzuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door apart from bathrooms and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paintwork or won't put them up correctly, however, when he comes back a few hours later the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.

He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator is walking out of the door he says to the Jewish guy: "Glad you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in the little boxes and left them on the table for you "


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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Mr Bagel's Funnies No #10


See you Tommorrow

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton ." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton . I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don 't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

thanks to: Hayom
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