Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 1550 years together

The Golden Chance

Rivka and Bernie have been married for fifty years and are being interviewed by a reporter from the Jewish Chronicle.

"So Rivkah," asks the reporter, "I know today is your Golden Wedding Anniversary, but how old, exactly, are you?"

"I am 78 years old," replies Rivkah, "and kin-a-hora I should live to be a hundred."

"Well I hope your wish comes true," says the reporter.
The reporter then turns to Bernie and asks, "And how old are you, Bernie?"

"I’m also 78 years old," replies Bernie, "and please God I should live to be a hundred and one."

"But why," asks the reporter, "do you want to live one year longer than your wife?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Bernie, "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet."

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 14Family Ties

Family Ties

An al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Thanks to Jewlarious

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #13 Amazing Moishe Glickman

Amazing Moishe

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "See there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the
pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams, not like me.

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

Thanks to: Jewish Jokes

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 12:You're Fired

You're Fired:

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.

I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menschen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the foist thing ve're going to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena truck!"

Thanks to Jewish Jokes

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #11

Mezuzah Mess-up

A wealthy, English, Jewish guy buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.

When the job is finished the Jewish guy is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten something -- to put mezzuzot on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezzuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door apart from bathrooms and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paintwork or won't put them up correctly, however, when he comes back a few hours later the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.

He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator is walking out of the door he says to the Jewish guy: "Glad you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in the little boxes and left them on the table for you "

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #10

See you Tommorrow

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton ." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton . I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don 't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

thanks to: Hayom
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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #9

A Window of Opportunity.

It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor.
"Melvin, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.

"You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1,000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Melvin replies.
Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam."
Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what in the world do you want?"
Goldie says, "You know the $1,000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."
She then slams the window shut, turns to Melvin and says, "now you go to sleep, and let Sam pace the floor."

Thanks to TorahBytes.org

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #8

Famous Last Words

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."

Thanks to: Aish.com
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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 7

Monkey business

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead -- a classified ad that says, "Actor needed to play an ape."

"I could do that," says Moishe.

To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York. Owing to the mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit.

Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a show for all the zoo-goers. Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might, while beating on his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.

One day, when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den.

Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shema Yisrael" Hear, O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.

The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response, "Baruch Shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va-ed." Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever.

From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up you schlemeils, you'll get us all fired!!!"

Credits:
Thanks to Jeeps Katz via Aish

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #6

Advanced Technology in Ancient times

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those centuries ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: "English archeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."

One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists had found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were already using wireless technology."

Credit:Aish.com

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #5

A million wishes

An old man goes over to his friend and gives him $1,000,000 and says, "When I die please bury me with either the money I just gave you or something you bought with the money." The friend agrees...

The old man goes to a priest and a rabbi and does the exact same thing.

Sure enough, two months later the man dies. His friend goes to the funeral and puts a million dollars worth of diamonds with the old man and comes out crying.

The priest goes in and places an ancient religious artifact that he purchased from an antiques dealer next to the grave. The priest also comes out crying.

Then the Rabbi goes to visit the old man, but comes out a minute later smiling. They ask him why he is so happy.

The rabbi responds, "I left him a check."

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 4

The Cow from Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Joke Credit: Jewish Jokes
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Mr Bagel's Funnies No #3

A Holy Hole in One

Ehud Olmert was in a desperate situation he need to provide a distraction to the Israeli public. He was struck with a brilliant idea and contacted the Vatican.

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ehud Olmert, the present leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Olmert wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Olmert as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Joke Credit: Adapted from a joke that appears at Jokecentre.com

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Mr Bagel's Funnies No# 2

Fifty - Fifty

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Credit: Aish.com
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Mr Bagel's Funnies No#1

A Savage Attack

A young man was walking the streets of Paris. Suddenly he saw a rottweiler attacking a young girl. He jumped on the dog, struggled with him and strangled it. Both he and the girl escaped with minor scratches.

Immediately excited journalists surrounded him and said:
What is your name? All Paris will hear of you, and the headlines
will be: "A Parisian hero saved a little girl from a savage dog".

Said the man: I am not Parisian.

The journalists: O.K, so all France will hear of you and the
headlines will be :"A French hero saved a little girl from a savage dog".

The man: But I am not French.

Journalists: OK, so all Europe will hear of you and the headlines
will read: "A European hero saved a little girl from a savage dog".

The man: But I am not from Europe.
Journalists: So where are you from?

The man: I am from Israel.

Journalists: OK, so all the world will hear of you and the headline
in all of tomorrow's papers will read: "Israeli killed a little girl's dog."

Thanks to Yala a member of Israel Forums .
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Home of Mr Bagel Funny

Hi You've found the Home of
Mr Bagel Funny.

If you're looking for Mr Bagel or Bagelblogger go here: Mr Bagel

But as you're already here, why don't you check out a few of the Jokes that have been collected.

Regards Mr Bagel

If you have a good Jewish Joke, please do submit it by email. You can email Mr Bagel via the link below .

Email: Mr Bagel

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